I just want to talk about dysphoria for a moment. It sucks. It sucks really really hard. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. Mild dysphoria feels like the bottom half of my lungs don’t work. Breathing is a little difficult and even though I breathe deep and try to relax, It feels like I’m breathing through a tiny coffee stirring straw.
Emotionally, mild dysphoria feels like a mild depression. I don’t want to do anything that seems like an effort, and I only do the things I have to. Which leads to me getting worse because it takes a considerable effort to present female in the way that I like. I also feel just a little bit sad, and am prone to crying.
Severe dysphoria, thankfully, I haven’t had but a very few times. It is quite crippling. Physically it feels like every organ in my chest is being squeezed tightly and it is very painful. Emotionally, I feel nothing but utter terribleness. A deep dark hopelessness, despair, and tremendous self-doubt. I can only manage to cry, sob, and remain crumpled in a ball on the ground.
The longer I go being completely male-presenting the worse I get. Luckily there are a few stress relievers that seem to help. Singing, I’ve always loved singing and it does wonders for me. Writing in this blog. Talking to friends or people. Small feminine things I can do while still presenting male, like colorful socks, painted nails, or makeup. All these things help, but until I can present female and finally feel comfortable in my skin again for a time, the dysphoria will remain.
Although presenting male is probably the biggest contributor to my dysphoria, there are many others, and sometimes the affect me more than others. Seeing cute girls and being struck with envy is always a huge downer. Thinking about my life can be bad. How I’ll never have a child, on my terms, as a woman. How I had the wrong childhood, I will have never been a little girl, or how I never got to be a teen girl either. No sleepovers with girlfriends or learning to apply makeup or talking about boys. Most of all, I think, I would have adored going to dances and prom as a girl. Wearing a beautiful dress, getting all prettied up and dancing with a cute boy. I mourn the loss of my formative years.
I know that all sounds a bit cheesy, and maybe a bit over the top, but I would like to have been a normal girl. Every day spent living as a male Is a day that I have lost. That’s why it hurts so much.