Defective Introspective

Because my thoughts cannot be contained by my skull.

Trans Community

         I’m not sure how to feel about the trans community. Like any community, there are crazies and idiots but most of them seem pretty okay.  When it comes down to it, we’re all people, and people aren’t perfect.  Especially because the majority of us have had a lot of trouble coming to terms with being trans.

         My main concern with the trans community is the victim complex most of us seem to have, and the endless hugboxing that happens in most trans spaces.  Both of these things are a little complicated, and of course it comes down to everyone’s specific situation, but I think for the most part we should change these things.

         When I say “victim complex” I mean that while yes, discrimination is a thing, Not everything bad in a trans person’s life is because they are trans.  You see a lot of trans people blaming everything wrong with their life on the fact they are trans. Stop using being trans as a crutch and an excuse.  It does make life harder, but they could also just be bad with money, or a bad person, or whatever. Stop making your transness the only part of who you are.  If you’re an ass, trans or not, nobody is going to like you.  You’re trans, suck it up, everybody has problems. Be strong, independent and awesome. 

          When I say “hugboxing” I mean when I go to a trans space and there are people encouraging the victim complex and sugar coating everything they say to a trans person.  Don’t tell a person who doesn’t pass that they pass flawlessly, that can be a dangerous game.  You just dishonestly built that person up, only for them to go outside and have that confidence destroyed by random assholes. I only hope they don’t go somewhere that could be dangerous for them, thinking they could stealth by, when they can’t.  Other than passing, people hugbox to encourage the victim complex, saying things like, “You didn’t get the job because they discriminated against you, not because you aren’t qualified.”  Once again, being trans isn’t your only problem, and use constructive criticism to get all the trans people presenting their best selves. Sometimes a hug is nice, and it can make you feel better, but other times people need advice, motivation and the truth.  That will make them better themselves.

         It’s also a problem for trans people who are just discovering themselves.  I wandered into trans spaces a little more than a year ago, and most times was struck with tales of hate, discrimination and all these terrible things.  Yes, we have to acknowledge the danger and keep ourselves safe.  However, that being the main focus just instilled fear and sadness.  I see far too many trans people in this do-nothing circle, being sad all the time, blaming being trans for everything and then getting reassured by others that they are right. What they need is some honesty and to pick themselves up and start fighting for who they are. 

Dysphoria: Round Two

           As i have been moving forward in my transition so many things have changed, and continue to change.  One of those things has been the way I experience dysphoria.  Previously it used to be because I had to hide myself away and pretend to be something I’m not. Now that I don’t have to do that anymore, dysphoria tends to present itself less often, but when it does, it’s rather intense and focused on things that are harder to change.

           I’ve begun feeling genital dysphoria.  Which sucks, a lot. Especially since I cannot change my genitals as easily as my presentation. In addition to that, this has affected my sex life as well.  I used to be mildly ok with my genitals, but now i’m very displeased with them.  That, coupled with my reduced sex drive has made sex a difficulty.  It pains me because my girlfriend is very much sexually active and I want to be meeting all of her needs.  Although, she’s very understanding about the whole situation, and is good at comforting me in my times of distress.

          Other times I can feel this sort of general dysphoria, usually brought about by only seeing masculine features in myself.  That’s sort of something I’m forced to push through, as I can’t just decide to stay home all the time.

          Lastly, sometimes I get dysphoric when I see cute cis girls,  I get envious of the things they have that I don’t, but I suppose that all comes with being a girl.  Other people are going to be pretty, that doesn’t mean you’re not. 

          I’m so glad I have my girlfriend there to keep me strong.

Simple

Cis people need to be wiling to listen and try their hardest to understand Trans issues, Trans people need to be patient and willing to educate those around them. Everybody needs to work together without judgement and look at the big picture beyond just yourself. Can’t we all just get along?

Purpose

I have found some purpose.  I will lead an openly transgender life. I will educate, and have patience with all those who are curious and willing to be educated.  I do this to better our society for now, and in the future.  I do this because I am unhappy with the world, and will do my best to change it.

I also realize that I am fortunate enough to be in a position to do so.  That is why I feel obligated to be as big a positive  force as I can be.  I’m financially stable, confident, have good emotional support and live in an area where people are willing to listen.

I’m trans, and I refuse to be ashamed about it.  I refuse to live my life in silence and fear.  I’m going to combat ignorance to the best of my ability  I’m going to make this world a better place.

There’s a Girl in the Mirror

Sorry I haven’t updated in a while.  I usually use this as a place to vent, so I’ve just been really happy recently.  I’m getting closer to six months on hormones, and my body has taken to them quite well, I have hips and am almost satisfied with my boobs. More often than not I do see myself in the mirror, now it’s just a matter of not crying tears of joy when I do.

I met a girl, and she’s trans too. It’s quite wonderful. We understand each other really deeply. All one of us has to say is “I’m feeling dysphoric.” and the other knows what to do.  It helps having someone who knows what it’s like.

Not to say I don’t have bad times either.  I get dysphoric about a lot of things. My anatomy, inability to procreate, lost childhood, parents misgendering and saying I need god, and a lot more.  However, I think I’m getting closer to a normal range of ups and downs, and I might be able to just live a happy life. 

I’m really happy I didn’t kill myself six months ago.

Dating

So! I decided to really kick the wanting to date someone initiative into gear. While at first it was a little disheartening, bars are not my natural habitat. I settled on trying some online dating, and it’s been a surprisingly good experience.

I set up my profile about two weeks ago, stating I am a bisexual woman, and in my info stating that I am trans. I thought the whole being trans thing would throw people off, but I must be attractive or something because people keep messaging me anyway.  I’ve already been on two dates, and am having conversations with many other promising leads. Do keep in mind that I do live in a fairly nice, liberal area. It was quite the nice surprise that people didn’t seem to mind my trans status so much, and I haven’t gotten anything super negative besides the standard creeps women get on dating sites.

I did meet a boy though. Not in person yet, but we’ve connected on some sort of level I didn’t know possible.  He truly understands what it’s like to have gender issues, and it feels like we have known each other for a very long time…in a word: Familiar.  I know how irrational my emotions towards him are, but I don’t care. These feelings are wonderful and I will enjoy them to the fullest.

So my hair is actually a bit more purple in real life, cameras make it really blue for some reason.  I found out my job wouldn’t fire me for coloring my hair so I did this a week later, with tremendous help from my awesome work friend.  My friends told me that people would stare and that I’d get snide remarks.  I laughed, because people seem to clock me as trans all the time, so I figured having bright hair was the least of my worries.

Shock

So I’ve been living full time for about three months now.  It’s only been three months. Ninety Days. 2160 hours.  I pass fairly well and my friends and coworkers see me as a woman. This has brought on many changes, most of which I am extremely happy with.  However, I’ve begun to see the darker side of things as well.

Women correctly see me as the woman I am now, and are now sharing with me information that, pre-transition was not a subject of discussion.  Every woman I have gotten to know even slightly more than as an acquaintance has this kind of story.  Some only have one, others, multiple.  They all have one though, the story about the time they were raped, sexually assaulted, touched inappropriately, feared for their life or similar danger entirely because they are female. That this problem is so prevalent and I had no idea about while I was living as a male, scares and shocks me to no end.  I dearly hope I have not contributed to the problem. I witnessed a situation a few weeks ago that, thankfully didn’t escalate too much.  However, the girl that whose space was being invaded was triggered.  She spent the rest of the night terrified and reliving some terrible memory of her past.  The guy who caused this didn’t even realize that it was his fault, when he left, it was because he thought he was having a fight with someone else.

The girl has a mutual friend with me and we work with the guy in question. This got to me even more, because the mutual friend thought it was her fault. (let’s call her, the mutual friend and my coworker, Natalie) Not only is the girl who got triggered freaking out, Natalie is also afraid.  Natalie is now uncomfortable around this guy as well, but is afraid to say anything about it to our managers because she thinks she will get in trouble for causing friction at work. I’ve never been more furious. I went to work with her to make sure she was comfortable and to inform the managers myself, because she shouldn’t have to back off to make room for a guy who doesn’t understand boundaries.

I have a new purpose in life.  I won’t let any of this stand.  I won’t let anyone be put in these uncomfortable situations.  I won’t let the ones who commit these acts go unpunished.  That these types of things are so common and just swept under the rug is the most infuriating thing I’ve ever heard. There is a lot to say on this subject, and I’m not that educated about it, but I know it’s as wrong as anything can be, and I will do my best to change things.

A Thought.

It makes me really sad that “I live with my parents” is synonymous with “I’m still in the closet”

Voice

Voice is just about the hardest thing for me with my transition.  I mean besides having a low bass voice.  It’s one of the hardest things to work on.  It’s hard to practice because just about until you get it down you will sound terrible, and be obviously trans and just be outing yourself to everyone.  It felt really fake for a really long time and just caused massive dysphoria because I felt like a pretender and that I couldn’t really do this.  I’m lucky that I have a job where I talk to people almost nonstop for eight hours a day over the phone, and I never see them ever again.  Every call I take is a chance to improve and if I mess up, then I’m only talking to that person for a maximum of ten minutes. It’s just so difficult too!  I’ve been practicing forty or more hours a week for about two months and I still feel like I sound terrible.

  It’s also difficult to remember to be always trying my voice, I get lazy around friends that know about me being trans and slip into my male voice.  It’s just easier and more convenient, I still don’t know how to get louder or use exclamations either.

I feel like I pass really well, especially for how far along I am, but I get super nervous every time I open my mouth.  My heart goes out to other trans people who don’t have anyone, or maybe even anywhere to practice their voice.  It must be terribly difficult and I wish you the best of luck.

There is one thing that saddens me deeply about my voice though.  I like to sing.  I’m pretty good at it too. I was in choirs for eight years. Singing has been a huge part of my life. I sing to relieve stress and to have fun.  I sing to express myself.  However, I look like a girl and sound like a very manly man. 

Singing now causes dysphoria, and I can’t even type this sentence without crying.  Something I love so much, and have such a passion for, hurts me now.  It’s the only thing I don’t like about my transition.  I can’t sing in public anymore if I don’t want to out myself.  I can’t even sing by myself because my voice doesn’t match who I am.  What kind of cruel joke is this? My teachers and I labored for eight years to get me to sing well, and all that work just causes me pain now.  I’m so sad about it, I can’t think of the right words to summarize my feelings.  Grief, maybe.  I know all the joy singing can bring, and now, nothing but sadness instead.